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I have two other places I "write"

http://nightsvision.blogspot.com for my art and dolls

and

http://meanwhileimtina.blogspot.com/ for dance and stuff I feel directly relates to my journey as a dancer

I am a dork. That is all.

Comfort Zone

I've decided to start playing this game “Superbetter” a Superbetter.com. I thought hey I'm stuck right now and I need to push on and maybe this will help, because it's always worth a shot.

Today I have a “quest” that involves a writing prompt about comfort zones. It asks these things

What’s your current relationship with your comfort zone?

Fortressed within it? Always busting through it?

What it is, for you? How often are you in it? How does it feel to leave it?”

    I am not sure I have a comfort zone haha. I am never quite comfortable and I guess whenever I start to feel stagnant or I guess it is... comfortable, I find ways to push myself back in to uncomfortable. I am not comfortable with comfortable I guess. I think this stems from having gone through the experience of having agoraphobia and panic disorder at such a very young age and all the years and years of therapy that went with it. I have intensive desensitization therapy for several years and it kind of gave me a built in push it kind of mentality. Of course I've always kept a few things around that I stubbornly panic and refuse to do a lot of time. Making phone calls being one of them, however I did just call back my therapist so take that comfort zone.

    I could say I'm in a comfort zone right now, but it really just feels depressed and I hate it. Yeah it's all safe and cozy to spend my days doing my thing, avoiding people, missing appointments (and painting class AGAIN what the hell was I thinking with 8 am) and having very little social interaction even online. It should feel safe and cozy in my pretty little house, but instead it feels boring and stagnant and gross. I'm working slowly though.

    At the same time I am really pushing some boundaries of my comfort zone in some big ways that I feel maybe I should be recognizing a bit more. Learning to play an instrument is something I have always wanted to do way way way back in the dark corners, because I was absolutely convinced I could not do it. That it was too much for my little brain to handle. I can play two whole fricken songs now. I don't care that they are two chord songs or that they aren't smooth and wonderful I am doing it. I'm doing it just because I decided I could. Something even more major was the decision that I wanted to be able to sing with them. I am quiet. I only raise my voice in my own home and until my back thing I'd never screamed in pain or fright or anything in my entire life. I've spent my life walking around feeling like someone had a fist wrapped around my vocal chords, not speaking up for much of anything. Even more then wanting to play an instrument I've wanted to open my mouth and sing. I bought a book with a cd and yesterday I sang two songs over and over again and I did not disintegrate. I hated the way I sounded, but I reminded myself everything sucks in the beginning.

    So I'm hiding and blossoming all at the same time and it's making me feel itchy and weird and depressed and strange. So there is that.

    I know it seems like I only post here either to bitchy about something, or to whore out my Etsy these days. That may be true.

    Please "like" my FB page for my Dolls/Art  www.facebook.com/ . I'll something you for some amount of time :) Seriously :) See I'm smiling that means I'm sincere :)
     


    New Milagros Poppets


    I've just started posting my new little Milagros Poppets over on my etsy shop. nightsvision.etsy.com . I love them and put a lot of time into getting them just right.  Please have a look :) Don't kill me for no lj cut.


    Etsy

    I have finally put a few of my dolls on Etsy. I should have the one I made at Halloween up, but I'm hesitant to give her up!

    So visit my Etsy Shop and check it out!

    Random thoughts

    As of a few minutes ago my stepdad has been dead for five years. Five years! I have spent those years constantly feeling like I'm waking up from a dream over and over again. It only just occurred to me a few days ago ,after I read something ,that I've probably been in a mixed episode most of the last five years. Both manic and severely depressed at the same time.

    I only really realized how depressed I'd been when my doctor upped my Welbutrin and within a few days the nightly binge eating stopped. Hadn't realized how much abuse I was pummeling myself with.

    One of the things I feel the most amusing about my lovely mood disorder etc, is how I can become super competent in the moments of illness and death, but a broken zipper could have me running screaming under the covers. Silly.

    http://nightsvision.blogspot.com

    I am eternally scattered. I have a blog now for my dolls and art if anyone is interested.

    http://nightsvision.blogspot.com

    It will be reserved for art type talk. Since I am starting to move forward into taking some of my artistic ability seriously I thought it might be nice to document the process. Who knows what it might turn into. I've given myself the task of writing in it at least once a week so it might actually be a place that gets updated.

    Livejournal continues to be my journal where I uncontrollably spew my personal business when I can't control myself.

    So if you have any interest in my art at all please "follow" me over there. I am no longer sure how to get people to read my crap, but I'm trying to figure it out.
    I'm trying to work myself back to the land of the living. It seems that the increase in Welbutrin may in fact be helping with that. I'm also experiencing less pain in my body and I don't know what to attribute that to. My vitamin D level is up from 5 to 12, so that's something. It may also be that I gave myself permission to relax. I also got the bug to play with my hair color which really hasn't happened in years. I decided to put my blonde streak back in, or rather put a much blonder version of my natural blonde streak back in. It's going slow because getting the black to lift is obviously a pain in the ass. I got some effasol and am about to put that on and see if it will get the last bit out. We shall see.

    I just totally lost my train of thought because someone has the damn volume up way too high while they play some turdy game on facebook. Yes, I am that easily distracted these days.
    After doctors appointments all damn week long I just want to sleep for a week, but I can't tomorrow. Blah blah blah. Psyche meds change will probably happen after the new year since Tegratol is probably the culprit of the vitamin D problem it blocks production in the liver as well as calcium something or another. That's what the endo thinks is going on with my hands. It's a good thing I'm so paranoid about falling. I think if I did right now I'd just shatter into a million pieces. Anyway that will be an interesting voyage. In the meantime doubled dose of D, calcium, fish oil. ooo and Xanax because apparently it's not suprising that my moods are cycling so fast, and things like crying after my pap smear the other day are to be expected. OB/GYN NP felt something on my right side and had me have pelvic ultrasound that day but apparently it's clear. I was betting the essure had done some kind of damage, because I'm just in such an optomistic mood these days. My pancreas is irritated and all dysfucnctionl enzymes and stuff.Will see dietician because I have to be super restricted again. I am going to hope that does not further set off the BED that I tend to get when I am super restricted. I am currently going from "fuck this,fuck you, I fucking hate everything" to "i'll work it out I always do" several times a day, and I almost always cry after I eat. I've had so many scoldings from people this week and lectures on how I'm the only one who can blah blah blah. Yeah, well I know the drill.

    All I can do is laugh.


    Also I can see the typos right now, but my hands really hurt so I'm not fixing it.

    Hah

    My doctor called and left me a message saying "Tina I made you an appointment to see the endocrinologist". I know she's like I have absofuckinlutly no idea what to do with you at this point. My lipid levels have never been this high while I have been in her care. I think once they spiked up to 1700 and then the 1800 of two months ago, but being in the 3000's I think has scared her. Hopefully we'll get it all sorted out and it will not involve taking regular insulin. I haaaaaaaaate regular insulin. I have no problem taking Novolin once at night, but the R with the shots at every meal and figuring out the carb ratio NO, just NO! It also keeps you fat. Especially when you are as insulin resistant as I am, it just sits there turning into fat. I strongly believe that the puking out of nowhere episodes I get every now in then may be pancreatitis. My mom always insists it's my gallbladder but ultrasounds are alway clear. However, no matter how many times doctors palpate the pancreas area and I nearly scream because it's so tender they have failed to really look at it...for years.

    I'm in a shitty place right now. I haven't been this "sick" since I was first diagnosed when I was 22. I am tired all the time and worse then that I am WEAK. I can't even carry laundry baskets up and down the stairs. It kills me because I've always been really strong. Energy to dance? Forget about it. Though I still have signed up for workshops at TribalFest in May and plan on applying to dance. I still plan on hopefully getting in to Rakkasah too. I always get by on shear strength of will, and that is only something I am really beginning to appreciate. I've spent a lot of my time beating myself up as being not determined enough or lacking dedication, when really...my vitamin D level is 5! and for a while last winter I was taking 9 classes a week, and dancing in all the festivals with MDC. It certainly wasn't my amazingly healthy body that got me through all that. But not matter how determined I am right now, I just can't do it. Oh well, I'm having a break.

    I bake!

    With a mix, but still :)