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Hah

My doctor called and left me a message saying "Tina I made you an appointment to see the endocrinologist". I know she's like I have absofuckinlutly no idea what to do with you at this point. My lipid levels have never been this high while I have been in her care. I think once they spiked up to 1700 and then the 1800 of two months ago, but being in the 3000's I think has scared her. Hopefully we'll get it all sorted out and it will not involve taking regular insulin. I haaaaaaaaate regular insulin. I have no problem taking Novolin once at night, but the R with the shots at every meal and figuring out the carb ratio NO, just NO! It also keeps you fat. Especially when you are as insulin resistant as I am, it just sits there turning into fat. I strongly believe that the puking out of nowhere episodes I get every now in then may be pancreatitis. My mom always insists it's my gallbladder but ultrasounds are alway clear. However, no matter how many times doctors palpate the pancreas area and I nearly scream because it's so tender they have failed to really look at it...for years.

I'm in a shitty place right now. I haven't been this "sick" since I was first diagnosed when I was 22. I am tired all the time and worse then that I am WEAK. I can't even carry laundry baskets up and down the stairs. It kills me because I've always been really strong. Energy to dance? Forget about it. Though I still have signed up for workshops at TribalFest in May and plan on applying to dance. I still plan on hopefully getting in to Rakkasah too. I always get by on shear strength of will, and that is only something I am really beginning to appreciate. I've spent a lot of my time beating myself up as being not determined enough or lacking dedication, when really...my vitamin D level is 5! and for a while last winter I was taking 9 classes a week, and dancing in all the festivals with MDC. It certainly wasn't my amazingly healthy body that got me through all that. But not matter how determined I am right now, I just can't do it. Oh well, I'm having a break.

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