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I have two other places I "write"

http://nightsvision.blogspot.com for my art and dolls

and

http://meanwhileimtina.blogspot.com/ for dance and stuff I feel directly relates to my journey as a dancer

I am a dork. That is all.

Redwood Coast Video

Yesterday I came home to my dvd from Redwood Coast. It's a weird feeling to be more satisfied than not with something I've done.



Let me know what you think if you feel like it, as long as what you think is not oh my god you are a huge fat monster don't dance. I have enough moments of telling myself that.

Ramblin on

I worked hard today at not going over the edge. This is the reason I sit here now on the verge of going up to bed rather then neck deep in shiny fabrics and pretty yarns and bleeding fingers with no sleep in sight. I'm learning to moderate, at least today. I know that before Halloween a doll will be birthed, and perhaps she will have come through some strung out moments, but never like it was in the beginning no sleep til I'm done mentality. Am I growing up? I did however fall deeply in love with the bernina No. 86 ruffler. Who knew? Perfect effortless ruffles. It always amazes me how much sewing I get done for being someone that doesn't technically KNOW how to sew. I just mess around til it seems right.




This is just the beginning. I am always quite amazed how each new doll pushes me to try something I'd never tried before. So far on this one we have by hand sculpting and ruffles. Whatever could be next?


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Moving pictures

(x posted from Meanwhile I'm Tina)

That's what my head is full of these days.

At the end of September and the first week of October I did two major things for me. First I danced solo for the first time every at a Belly Dance Festival at Desert Dance Festival. Then a week later the ,first week of October, I did it again at Redwood Coast Belly Dance Festival in Arcata. I have danced at both of these festivals as part of a troupe and DDF more than one troupe over the years. I can honestly say I had so much fun doing these two things. Not only the dancing itself, the great workshops, and wonderful people, but the process of moving through fear becomes so exciting for me that it really is "fun". It is also a heady feeling to end a day knowing that you've broken through a personal barrier.

I can't tell you how many years I have sat in the audience at festivals and thought to myself "sometime soon I will get it together and do my first festival" Well, with life being what it is, it has taken me longer than I once anticipated to get to this point. I am honest to a fault about my difficulties with anxiety, fear and lack of confidence in myself at times so I don't see a point in not going there now. I was not afraid of the dancing. I didn't look at the stage and think oooo scary. No, I looked at the process, the paper work ,getting in on time, the checking in on time, the being ready such and such a head of time before your performance time, and the logistics of figuring out who you are supposed to be checking in with where you are supposed to be going and things along those lines...yup I looked at that stuff and my stomach would fall through the floor and panic would set in. These are of course all of the things that set me off in any part of my life because they are variables and unknowns, not really the friend of someone with anxiety/panic problems mixed with excruciating shyness. Though again as soon as I recognize a fear I know that there will be a day that I will move towards facing and conquering it. It is who I have learned to be. Does it make me a daredevil? Of course not, my fears are far too mundane for most people to see my small triumphs as anything beyond the normal scope of life, but to me, oh my to ME they are huge.

I owe so much of this to teachers I have had over time, but a lot must go to Kitiera for the last year I spent being a part of the Modrom Dance Collective and being right there with her most of the time to see how these things worked and to start to demystify them for myself.

Suddenly I am no longer afraid. I have plans now to send in an application for Tribal Fest, and to call in for Rakkasah. I have new choreography and costuming ideas swirling around in my brain. I have plans! Plans that excite me, not terrify me. I never thought a few weeks ago that all of a sudden I would feel so free!

Treasures

Going through my mom's garage this past week sorting through things to keep and things to get rid of I found a little piece of treasure. It was in my baby book, on I've looked at many times in my life, but never found the note tucked into the back page. It was written by my father when I was about four months old. It reads.



" Tina: May 18, 1975

You are a brat! I have never seen a baby that is more of a brat than you.



Your mother says you will run over us, but I say you will never run over me. You may grow up to be a hard a_ _ young lady, but if you keep on like this I promise you it will be from callouses from spankings.



Your Loving Dad

Chuck Ellis



P.S. I Love You "



Too often I think... ok, dad you can stop being dead now!


Pic from Desert Dance Festival

I have been way too busy and crazy to write anything the past few weeks.

This past weekend I danced at the Redwood Coast Bellydance Festival in Arcata which was awesome. The week before I danced at Desert Dance Festival in Santa Clara. This is currently the only picture I can stand to look at. Usually that would be because I have a hard time looking at pictures of myself. This time it's only a little bit that. The background is driving me NUTS with the ugly brown carpet and the outlets on the wall. But that doesn't really matter. I hope to have video at some point. That's where I'll be able to properly tear myself apart (I"m kidding you know). Anyway, look a pic of my end pose.



Photo by Carl Sermon Photography

Cats

There is something in my neighborhood bothering me. I mean it's a stray thought, like oh I don't like that..every once in a while. We have really nice neighbors that have been here maybe six months, and then we have our neighbor across the street that bought his house just a few months before we bought ours. He always has awesome cats that he allows to be outdoor cats. This has always been a cat neighborhood. So he currently has a really sweet siamese and what looks like a bengal. They roam during the day usually and then go in. Well my newer neighbor in the duplex next door at some point decided to start feeding and leaving water out for these cats (whom were NOT being neglected to begin with) and every time I see her outside the cats are following her around and she's talking to them and pretty much acting like they are her cats. She stole R's cats! I mean that is kind of what it's like and for some reason it's just started to annoy the hell out of me. Especially when I thought of the fact that I am sure someone was doing that with Ash for a long time because he wasn't home very often. Hey people, get your own god damn cats. Yeah it's cool to be nice to other peoples cats and look out for them and pet them, but seriously this is a wtf for me.

Ahhh the little things in life. Annoying you one minute at a time.

whine bitch moan

I'm incredibly tired today. I went to Kohls today and bought a Halloween table cloth and then came home and felt like I needed to go back to bed. That's sad. Instead I went to Target. Our Target is just beginning to put Halloween stuff out. I drooled and squeed at some stuff that I probably won't be buying and left with some seasoning for dinner. It never ceases to amaze me how looking at Halloween things can make me feel better even if it doesn't last very long. I am a Halloween junkie. I stopped at cost plus to see if I could find a better pair of earrings to go with my sunshine costume which I think I found. Yay for cheap earrings. Since they were cheap I bought a pumpkin mug! I was adamant that I would come home and practice. That is of course why I am sitting here feeling like someone swung a baseball bat at my head. I'm still going to do it though. I'll run it a few times and then maybe go lay down and read. Which means I'll run it a few times and then decide I should clean something. I don't really know how to rest, even when something as simple as going to the store exhausts me. It's been a while since I've truly felt strong and healthy, maybe even since this time last year. I am not fond of it. It just feels like I am getting worse. Of course I know that I always run in cycles so I'll pop back up with a bunch of energy for a few days, maybe even a couple of weeks and I'll think to myself "oh good I'm better" then I won't be again. This is just temporary whining. If I don't voice it I'm closer to giving in instead of just having my moments and getting on with it. So off I go to practice.

Batcat and things

Posted over at Meanwhile I'm Tina some blathering about some crap.

I drove up to my Mom's last night so I could go with her to have Batcat put to sleep. Batcat once belonged to my brother. He got her when I was around 16-17. My mom has had her for quite a few years now. I have always loved her. She was this tiny little grey and white thing with a bobbed tail and a perfect heart on her nose. She's had what I call her old lady meow for years. We knew time was coming, but with Fenton dieing suddenly last week and a cancer scare with my mom's dog Raven the week before. It's just been crazy. She went downhill really fast and it was the best thing. It's just added to the exhaustion I was already feeling. My mom too I'm sure. It's a weird time right now and I'm not in a place to be motivated to think in my normal wooo hoo it's all for a reason and I will fight my way to feeling better and blah blah. I'm wallowing on and off at the moment. I really just want to crawl in a hole and say fuck it to all my forever future dance plans. I'm sure I won't but you know... for real I'm exhausted. Just got news recently also that I'll be getting my study materials for ACE certification soon. Because you know I REALLY feel qualified to be studying to be a group fitness instructor at the moment (I want my ACE for teaching dance). It doesn't seem so exciting when it's been difficult to get up out of a chair, or straighten my fingers or walk up the stairs sometimes. I feel so broken. It's not cool. But whatever "meanwhile...." and all that positive spin jazz and crap.
My Mom's kitten Fenton died. I don't even know what to say I've never had a young animal (that I can remember, childhood is fuzzy) die before. I knew there were issues as he'd lost a lot of weight and was rather listless but he'd had ringworm and we thought it had something to do with that. He was SO sweet and he followed her around just like her dog. She'd get up they'd get up and go with her wherever she was going. Blah. :( I guess they think he had FIP.

Heh heh

Today I started taking Niacin hahahahaha. You know if I'm taking something that has a side effect I will for sure have it. The flushing started about 15 minutes after I took the first dose. It only lasted 45 minutes so I have hope. The issue is that was just a 100mg. I need to take that two more times today and eventually I will be up to 1500mg a day. It's possible that won't work for me. We shall see. It's also made me really sleepy, like when you take cold medicine or something. I'm guessing there will be no dance class for me tonight.

On top of the Neuropathy in my hands, the out of control super high lipids, and the rickets level vitamin D level. I'm going to have to call my life a comedy, because although I can rock some drama I'm just not into tragedy.

Did I mention I have my first two solo festival performances coming up? Yup and I can barely get off my ass much less practice hah hah hah. Maybe tomorrow will be better.